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Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Overplanner

Some may consider me an overly-annoying planner. While in most areas of my life I am a chaotic mess, when it comes to planning out my future, well...let's just say the OCD traits come flying out.

It seems whenever something "big" is coming up, I tend to research things to death, always laying out the "what-if's" and having some sort of plan in place in case, A, B, or C happen. It is not neccesarily because I am worried about something or even excited; it is just what I do to get my brain in order. I actually find it to have a calming effect on me.

This trait in me has especially been prevalent when it comes to my health. I've seen it in its crowning glory on days when my TMD pain it at it's worst. Maybe it is a coping mechanism, but I tend to overdo it sometimes.

As my jaw has been so bad lately, especially as the clock ticks closer to my surgeon appointment, I have been doing more of my "what if" planning. I guess it is because I know the door of my future can swing in so many directions.

My work requires my jaw to work quite well, as I am a public speaker. Those I work with have been divided in terms of support while my health has progressively gotten worse. I do worry about what will happen when surgery comes calling, and of course what will happen if things don't go in a positive direction afterward. What if I do require more surgeries in the future? What if I have to look into alternative lines of work later in life?

I was silly to voice some of these things to a family member tonight. Bad idea, I know. I am learning those around you do not want to hear what the little voice in your head is thinking. While you may think it is logical to make lists in your head, research surgical procedures, doctors, etc online...not everyone does. My thinking ahead brings soothing and comfort to me but to my others it may simply tell them that I am neurotic and expecting the worst.

I wonder sometimes if this is a normal reaction to such life events? Do others do such planning and research in the midst of possible surgeries or other life-altering situations?

I think next time I do my research or have my thoughts, maybe i'll just blog about it rather than telling my loved ones. It may be a bit safer. :-)

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