Almost 8 months post op; wow!!

Hello Everyone,

My goodness, I am SO sorry I have neglected the blog for this long! Life has been so busy lately with job changes and the like.

I am doing well in my non-TMJ related life. For those who asked, yes, I am in the midst of making some career changes. At the moment I am working a regular, poor paying job as a nanny to a beautiful two year old girl. This has been a good opportunity for me to appreciate that I do not do this for a regular living! While I LOVE being with this little girl, I miss the challenges, blessings, and opportunities to serve as a pastor. On January 24th, I have an interview for a chaplain residency position at the largest hospital in our area. Please, if you are able, say a quick prayer (or two) for me. This is my passion and I have been dreaming of doing this for many, many years. I am both excited and nervous to begin this part of my journey. If this particular hospital does not work out, I will be applying to others with the hopes of getting in to a good program.

In the TMJ world, things have been up and down. I am certainly still much better than I was prior to surgery, but some days feel like I have taken a thousand steps back. Last month I was kicked in the jaw (along one of my incisions) by a toddler at the daycare (used to work there). This seems to have set my recovery back quite a bit. Since then, I have had popping, clicking, and crunching noises return. I fear at least one disc may be displaced, but couldn't be sure without seeing the doctor.

My pain has been increasing as well, but of it I imagine is muscular. While I have been taking the steps to keep my stress at bay in the hopes of preventing the muscle pain, sometimes it just comes on no matter what! The plan at this point is to try and find a physical therapist willing to help me. I don't have insurance so cannot get a referral and payment would be a bit tough. I'm praying I can find something.

Other than that I really am doing well though. I know it sounds funny after all that but it is true! I am still better than before surgery and pray any further aggressive treatment can be put off for a long time. Whether that is the case, I don't know, but right now everything is one day at a time.

So, that is it for now! I will try and do better about updating, I promise. Since my jaw is giving me more grief I am sure it will be a loud and unwelcome reminder to keep you posted. *smile*

-Laura

Oh, and Melissa, YES! I would love to talk with you further. You are welcome to email me at: aandjfriends@yahoo.com if you would like to keep in touch. I will be praying for you and hope your appointment went well.

Ten Days and Counting

Wow, thank you so much for all the sweet comments and prayers. Sue, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Your family is certainly in my prayers.

I am ten days away from surgery and the reality of it is beginning to hit. I have been busy nesting away, trying to get the house under control. Hopefully it will be neat and tidy before surgery so i'm able to relax and not worry about keeping it up.

My pain fluctuates from day to day. I have had a few good days recently which has been a blessing. It really is a rollercoaster ride and I just try to take it as it comes.

Work has been a bit tough to keep up with. I'm thankful that while I feel a bit behind, things are still getting accomplished. My goal over the next week is to get everything ready for my recovery. This includes writing a number of sermons and making sure all my homebound parishioners are visited. I think it can get done!

I'll be taking two weeks off and I pray this is enough. I know the recovery will be much longer, but I really cannot afford more than that. I pray i'm able to keep up over the summer. My concern heightens for my June schedule as i'll be at camp with my youth for a week at the end of the month and there is synod assembly only 2 1/2 weeks after surgery. Again, this will include pacing myself and taking breaks when needed.

So, that is it for now. Nothing too excited, just a lot of preparing and waiting. Thank you so much for stopping in. It means so much to know people are praying.

How Many More Days??

Ooooh, the pain is bad bad bad tonight! After worship services and then taking one of my youth out to Slinky Action Zone and dinner, I can barely take it. Even with pain meds, i've got the good 'ole throbbing and intense aches going on. I cannot WAIT for this to be over!

Earlier this week, my PT got me worried and a bit neurotic again. He said he thinks i'm putting a lot of stock into the surgery. I asked him if he didn't think this was going to work. He replied that he doesn't really know, but he does think that going in and messing with things doesn't usually help. I think he was just having an off day, because really, surgery does help many, many people. Like all the knees he sees in his practice; without joint replacement and such, those people wouldn't be able to walk like they do. I did get concerned though, because as we all know, there are so many forums out there that are radically against TMJ surgery. You read those horror stories and worry it will become you.

I believe i'm making the right decision for the most part, but there is still that side of me that worries. I don't want to damage myself anymore than I am. I also know however, that to live like this the rest of my life would not bring about a quality life. I will be turning 30 in July and to think i'll be in pain like this forever is a terrible, awful thought. I cannot spend my life on muscle relaxants, pain killers, nerve pain meds, etc. I need the chance to live joyfully. To be in this much pain after playing laser tag and going out to eat is ridiculous. I barely made it out the door let along through the four hours I spent with my youth. That is no way to live.

On a side note, my sister is no longer able to come out to help with surgery. However, a wonderful former classmate of mine from seminary is able to help. She has faced many health concerns herself, so will be a great person to be with throughout recovery. I'm so thankful for the many awesome people in my life who give so selflessly.

Not a Good Week

This is my dog Caroline. In this particular photograph, she looks like how I have been most of the week. To say my jaw has not been agreeing with me just does not suffice. It has been a down and out bad week.

For some reason, I have been having setback after setback with my jaw lately. Rather than improving with the drug therapy, new splint, and physical therapy, i'm getting worse. I shouldn't be all that surprised however, as it has been the pattern with me throughout my TMD battle. I have a small period of getting better, and then it climaxes and goes back downhill. It makes me so sad everytime.

As I have spent the day after church in bed and on drugs, I haven't been able to stop thinking about how long I still have till surgery. I know, it is now probably less than two months (if we get the date we're shooting for, May 3rd). Compared to before, this should feel like nothing. It is just when you are in enough pain, every second feels like eternity. I really don't know how i'm going to be able to take the wait.

I wish with all my being this was over. I know there are people suffering greater ailments and pain than I am, but all I can think about now is my pain. I can't get past what I am experiencing to realize how small it is in comparison. I hate that I cannot talk without my jaw spasming. I hate that if I try to eat anything other than soup, oatmeal, or canned fruit my jaw feels like it is in a vice. I hate that even resting it is painful. If i'm not eating or talking, I have difficulty getting my jaw out of the clenched position. I hate that if I lay my head to the side on my pillow, it sets off the nerves.

I want my life back. I want to feel energetic, free to talk painfree and able to eat real food again. I miss being social and having the energy to go out and do things. It pains me when I have to cancel on people because my body won't allow me the freedom to have fun.

Alright, it is time for another pain pill. Thank you to whomever is reading this, for taking the time to read my rant. I'm sorry this is such a downer post; it is just how I feel at the moment. Journaling really is very therapeutic.

Remembering

Today I drove out to Baltimore. I had to run a few errands which required I kill an hour or so in between. While I had the extra time I figured I might as well orient myself with where Hopkins actually is. I knew it had to be a large hospital and like most would be in a confusing layout. As expected, I was quite correct.

Spending time alone in the car often gets one thinking. This journey caused my mind to do what it has been doing often; reflecting on how I got to this place. Since I finally made the decision to see the surgeon, something I have put off for seven years (was referred back in 2002), all I can think about is the "how's" and "why's".

I'm finding myself becoming really angry. I'm angry that I have had to go through so many doctor appointments, so many years of daily headaches, years of treatments, medications, and the like. I'm angry I may have to face surgery, most likely multiple over my lifetime. I'm angry I haven't been honest about my pain to either myself or my loved ones over the years. While it is good to not focus on my pain, it was also not really healthy to ignore the symptoms either. Really, i'm having a pity party and need to snap myself out of it real quick.

The "how" factor has me more upset than anything. I've never taken the time to really center myself on this before. Back when I was seven years old, I fell about 1.5 stories in a gym class accident, landing directly on my jaw. As this was a number of years ago, they did not follow what would be today's standard procedure. While I was knocked unconscious and very well could have had serious injuries, they removed me from the gym and took me to the nurses room in the school office rather than call an ambulance. I required over 42 stitches, most internal.

I can't help but to think of what could have been different if things were handled differently that day. I think of what may have been different if the doctors would have done better follow up care over the years. Would I still be in this position? I don't know. Maybe...probably? I wonder sometimes. I know we are not meant to dwell on the "what if's?" but the human side of me does sometimes. I guess even with the more "minor" aspects of health there is some kind of grieving process that takes place.

I know this is not a life-threatening ailment but knowing how life-altering it is scares me. I know that the decisions the doctor and I make over the course of the next few weeks will greatly affect the rest of my life. It is amazing to me that something as small as the jaw has such a huge impact on ones life, but it really does. While I have had jaw/head/neck pain everyday for well over a decade now, this last year has been so extreme to the point of being almost debilitating.

I pray for answers. I pray that the strides, while I know they are few, which have been made in TMJ treatment are enough to help bring relief. I pray that if I do have surgery it is successful and does not lead to multiple surgeries in the future. I will admit it, I am a bit scared. This is nothing like any other surgeries I have had in the past. I could learn a thing or two from the hundreds of children I have met, read about, and prayed for who have battled far greater journeys than myself. They certainly make us adults look weak, don't they?!