I'm BACK!

Hello those few who still visit here!

I've decided to go ahead and restart this blog.  I have had five more surgeries since the jaw one in 2010.  While these have all been unrelated to TMD they have still greatly impacted my life.  When I'm a little more awake i'll fill you in on all that.

But, as this is a jaw site, I wanted to focus much of this on what has happened  in relation to my jaw and the side effects of the surgery.  I have since been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, a very painful condition of the facial nerves.  Basically these nerves branch out throughout the face, and when there is damage to those nerves you can experience immense pain, much like mini electrocutions in various places, mine is mainly along the jaw line. 

I developed this condition as for the jaw surgery they had to cut though the Trigeminal nerves.  I knew this was a risk going in but as my TMD was so serious, I went ahead and did it.  Looking back I would still make the same decision as my quality of life was so diminished.  It's important to be able to eat, not to mention talking and all that was impacted.  It's nice being able to open my jaw again!

Unfortunately my jaw is no longer at a 40mm opening.  It's now about 30 which is still decent but not great.  I desperately need to get a new splint made which is very costly after jaw surgery.  I can't have just a run of the mill kind anymore and it needs to be made by an orthodontist.  I bit through the one my oral surgeon made so am trying desperately to save up enough money to get one made.  I am currently on disability due to severe complications from a surgery in November on my cervical spine so I don't really have the money on hand.

Thank you again for still checking up on me.  I will do my best to get this blog going again so I can keep you all posted on what it's like four years out of my jaw surgery.  I'm eager to find out who is still here so make sure to comment, share your journeys, and ask any questions.  I will do my best to address them as openly and honestly as possible!

4 Sunday in Epiphany Sermon

It has been a very, VERY long time since I posted on here.  Life has been hectic and there is way more to update than I have time for.  Instead, per request of some facebook friends, I am posting my sermon for this Sunday.

My sermon has a large story sandwiching it.  I felt the Holy Spirit was pulling me to share this story due to the content of the Scripture passage, 1 Corinthians 13 (the love passage from Paul).  Today, there is a 15 year old girl in the hospital who is the inspiration behind the sermon.  Her mother's blog is very moving and has been a major motivator in my pursuit to adopt in the near future. 

I am supply preaching this Sunday at Lord of Life Lutheran Church in Renton.  Currently for those who may not know I am in the call process.  Thankfully there are two potential calls at the moment so God willing I will be back in the pulpit regularly someday soon. 

All right, here it is:

 

Her parents have given her the name, Hasya, which means, “have mercy”.  They chose this unique name for a very specific reason; their prayer to God has been “have mercy” ever since they came across her picture a year prior. 

 It is hard to believe this child, 15 years of age, is still alive.  Her parents continually glance at the faded photo at the online adoption ministry, Reeses Rainbow, a child no more than 20 pounds in a white metal crib with paint chipping off.  Her body is permanently contorted from a life spent in this small bed.  No one to hold her, comfort her, or demonstrate acts of love.  She is removed from the bed only for feedings and occasional clothing or diaper changes.  The feedings take no more than a minute or two, with the white mush coming through a bottle with a nipple enlarged to force the food through faster. 

 Hasya is a special needs child in Bulgaria.  At the age of four, like all special need children who have yet to be adopted, she is entered into an adult mental institution.  The large majority of children will pass away within a years time from starvation and neglect.  Not Hasya though.  Her parents prayer for mercy was answered as she lived not one, not two, but to fifteen years of age.  She waited, patiently, for her new family to find her.

 She is the size of a toddler due to living in the confines of a crib.  Like a goldfish, her body did not grow larger than the cage of her bed.  By the time her parents arrive, her weight has increased slightly to twenty-six pounds.  The institution was given more formula from Hasya’s parents to feed her until they were able to finalize the adoption.

After a long, very painful trip home, Hasya is now in America and in the hospital, receiving the very first real medical treatment in her life.  Born with cerebral palsy, she is in significant pain.  Without proper treatment, her bones are now frozen in place, the only joint movement she is able to make is in her right arm.  She continually sucks on her hand until it has become calloused an raw, a typical institutional behavior.  Her parents believed she had reflux due to a continual gulping sound she makes.  After testing they discover it is not reflux but a result of continual starvation.  She gulps air to fill her empty stomach.

After fifteen years, Hasya is receiving love in action for the very first time.  She may not know it yet, but her life has significantly changed.  Her new family views her worth to be of infinite value.  No matter what the future may bring for this sweet, beautiful child, she is valued and loved beyond measure.

 Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13 about the subject of love.  We often hear this text preached in the context of marriage.  It is a text so beautifully written we see it everywhere; on pillows, cross stitches, on posters framed and hung in living rooms…even if a person is not of the Christian faith, you can bet they can recite a line of two.

 What can often be missed is the true depth of what Paul writes.  His words to the church in Corinth is not simply a pretty poem.  Paul is calling God’s people, all people, to action.  As Christians, we often view faith as the most important aspect of Christian living.  We believe a person without faith is lost.  From the time we are children, we are taught that faith is everything.

 Here in Paul’s writings however, we hear that faith is secondary to love.  In fact, if we go back and reflect on the words of Christ, we are told the most important command we are given is to love our neighbors as ourselves.  It seems this goes against everything we believe.  How could anything be more important than our faith?  While Paul does include faith and hope, he says out of “faith hope and love, the greatest of these is love”.  How, can any of us, extol the value of love above that of faith?

 This is what we are going to look at today; how is love above faith?  If we look in our own lives, we may actually see what Paul is talking about when speaking about faith, hope and love.  When we look deep into our lives, and get beyond all the busy-ness that attempts to grab a hold of our attention.  When we stop a moment to really look at what matters most to us, we can see that Paul’s words hold true .

 One of my all-time favorite Christmas movies is Love Actually.  In the opening scene, Hugh Grant’s character as the Prime Minister says that whenever he gets sad or depressed, he imagines the arrival section at Heathrow Airport.  There love seems uncomplicated as people receive and embrace the ones they love. As he reflects on this, he adds, "When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge. They were all messages of love."

 It is a part of human nature to love.  It is the makeup of all relationships.  Whether we are on the “in’s”  or “out’s” with someone, it is the emotion that comes to the forefront.  “Do I love this person”?, “can I forgive this person”? “Am I in love with this person”?  Love is emotion, expression, and action that guides these questions and answers.

 We are all fumbling along in life trying to figure out and live out love in life.  The truth of the matter is, we all need help with it.  If we think back on the institution in Bulgaria Hasya came from, it is evident they are in need of serious help to live out love with the patients.  There is a blanket of coldness and lack of understanding special needs that has taken over not only the institution but many of the people in the culture.  People with special needs are ostracized and left to die.  They are in need of help to understand what love is all about.

 If we take a moment to look in our own lives, I am certain each of us can come up with someone in our lives that challenges our understanding of love.  We have all had times in our relationships when frustration, anger, or bitterness can take over to the point we want nothing to do with them.  In my own life, my younger sister who suffers from mental illness has chosen to have nothing to do with most of us in our family.  I will admit, anger and frustration easily take over for me when I think about her.  It is easier to become angry than to deal with the deeper emotions of sadness and pain.  There are times I wonder if i’ll lose my will to love her.

It is in moments such as this it is evident we need to change our thought process about love.  It is the nature of humans to believe we can control everything and anything about our lives.  Surely, we control the ability to love?  But maybe not.   What if we do not control love?  What if it is more than a simple emotion?  Maybe we’ve been looking in the wrong place?  Maybe we aren’t the source of love.  What if it doesn’t come from us?

When thinking about the nature of love, I cannot help but reflect upon the words Adeye, Hasya’s mother, shared on her blog the other day.  When asked if she or her husband feel anger and resentment towards those who afflicted such suffering , pain, and neglect upon their daughter, Adeye shared these words:

“Do we still feel moments of anger when Hasya is struggling, or when we get yet another prognosis that is less than favorable?  Of course!  We are human. We would do anything to turn back the hands of time and to ensure that Hasya would receive better care from Day One.

But for the most part, we get it.  We understand that we live in a fallen world where sin abounds.  We get it that in many nations, children who are born with special needs will not have much worth or value.  We understand that we’re dealing with cultures and societies which don’t grasp God’s amazing love for ALL children.  We are fully aware that we’re dealing with many complex issues which, very sadly, all contribute to a massive humanitarian crisis that millions of orphans on the planet face every moment of every day.

 

Do all of those things make it acceptable to treat children in this way?  Is it an excuse?  Absolutely not! I have to remind myself constantly of a truth the Lord began to speak to my heart (for the umpteenth time!) last August when I visited Hasya in her orphanage for the first time…

 

As God’s people we are called to extend much grace, much love…  Even when we don’t want to.  Even when all we feel like doing is lashing out and setting them straight.  Even when anger rises up in our hearts at the unfairness and injustice of it all.  Abounding grace!  That same grace that has been so freely given to us…in all our own filth and sin.  We are required to pour it out to others.  Because grace and forgiveness are meant to be given away.  Even to those who have done such devastating damage to our sweet, sweet daughter. 

 

You see, I have learned something through my other adopted daughter Hailee’s life over the past two and a half years.  God’s glory shines brightly through these children.  He takes these precious, wounded, broken little beings and from the moment they are in families…He begins to breathe new life in them.  Abundant life!  Glorious life…and hope.  

 

It’s amazing to me how the Father uses their brokenness for His glory!  How He takes what the enemy intended for harm, and He shines His light into the situation…And there is healing and wholeness!  REDEMPTION.  They become “New creations in Christ. The old has gone and the new has come.”  ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17  The only thing He asks of us, as their new parents and believers of His Word, is to love…unconditionally, freely, without reservation or holding back…even the ones who have inflicted such harm.    “Love your neighbor as yourself,” we are commanded to do.  When those negative feelings want to rise up in my own heart (and they absolutely do!), I am quickly reminded of the words of Jesus when, in His darkest hour, cried out to His Father in heaven, “Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.”  ~  Luke 23

 

As for me, well, I’ll continue to pray for biological parents who feel the need to abandon their children and for orphanage workers who are meant to care for precious angels around the globe.  And I’ll continue to beg the Lord to intervene and to raise up Godly families who will go and missionaries who will be sent out to places in desperate need.

 Perhaps tomorrow, like today, Hasya will convulse in tears once again because her limbs hurt from stiffness. Or perhaps her tiny little foot will begin to tremor because we have moved her just a little too quickly, and that hurts too.  And I will once again look into her big brown eyes and feel her pain which will break my own heart. Those old feelings will try to rise up once again where I will want to blame someone for this--for every injustice and every hurt inflicted upon this child.  And He will gently remind me for the millionth time that blaming never changed a thing, never helped a single soul.

 That He is her Father, the one who redeems her.  And even now, He is writing her story…and it is beautiful.  The rest? I will do my best to leave that in his capable hands.  Some day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord.  But until that day comes…we have much work to do on the earth.   It’s not their problem…it’s ours!”

It is in the words of a mother that we can find the answer to the question I asked earlier.  How can love be more important than faith?  The answer is found in the question, “how can the two be separated”?  Love is the result of an active faith.  It is in our faith that love, God’s love, is birthed.  When we hear the words of Hasya’s mother, we can witness how faith in action has breathed love and life into a beaten, broken, and scared fifteen year old.  Was she never loved?  No, she was always loved.  Our loving Father never left her side.  She was held in the arms of Christ from the time of conception.  It wasn’t until her parents acted upon their faith and opened their hearts and lives to this special child that she experienced love in action.  They were the ones to show her what love is.  What faith is.  What hope is. 

To love means to turn to our faith.  When we do not know how to love, love can be found in our relationship, in our faith, to God.  When we are angry, bitter, or do not understand how such suffering can be found in this world, we can turn our hearts and minds to Christ who experienced the ultimate suffering on our part.  When we want to live out our faith but don’t know how, the Holy Spirit will be there to guide us to places that need to experience the love of Christ more than anything.  And we will be directed to the orphans, widows, the mentally ill, the sick, the lonely, the suffering; where we can learn to experience what love really is all about.  Amen

Answer to a Question

Hello,

Lykia, thank you so much for your question. In regards to neck pain, yes, I have had and continue to have neck pain. I've been told this is the result of the clenching position my jaw tends to naturally land in. I attempt to not do so but for some reason it "rests" like that. Very frustrating.

Anyway, this puts pressure on my neck which causes soreness and the vertebrae to go out of whack. I see a chiropractor for this and it tends to help. My oral surgeon also made a splint for my jaw that I wear day and night. This splint keeps the jaw joint from fully resting and creates a 3mm gap. My neck and jaw pain has improved from this.

I did not experience your other symptoms of facial drooping and the like. After surgery I had some facial paralysis for some time, but this was the result of swelling and improved with time. I do still have a tingling sensation throughout the left side of my face.

My advice would be to find an oral surgeon (DMD, not DDS) who specializes in TMJD; make sure they have plenty of experience in the treatment of this condition including surgery. You may also want to consult a neurologist to see if your symptoms could be related to that.

Also, for everyone, I posted the wrong email. If you want to email me, you are welcome to do so at: aandjfriends@gmail.com I don't know why I put "yahoo"!

Almost 8 months post op; wow!!

Hello Everyone,

My goodness, I am SO sorry I have neglected the blog for this long! Life has been so busy lately with job changes and the like.

I am doing well in my non-TMJ related life. For those who asked, yes, I am in the midst of making some career changes. At the moment I am working a regular, poor paying job as a nanny to a beautiful two year old girl. This has been a good opportunity for me to appreciate that I do not do this for a regular living! While I LOVE being with this little girl, I miss the challenges, blessings, and opportunities to serve as a pastor. On January 24th, I have an interview for a chaplain residency position at the largest hospital in our area. Please, if you are able, say a quick prayer (or two) for me. This is my passion and I have been dreaming of doing this for many, many years. I am both excited and nervous to begin this part of my journey. If this particular hospital does not work out, I will be applying to others with the hopes of getting in to a good program.

In the TMJ world, things have been up and down. I am certainly still much better than I was prior to surgery, but some days feel like I have taken a thousand steps back. Last month I was kicked in the jaw (along one of my incisions) by a toddler at the daycare (used to work there). This seems to have set my recovery back quite a bit. Since then, I have had popping, clicking, and crunching noises return. I fear at least one disc may be displaced, but couldn't be sure without seeing the doctor.

My pain has been increasing as well, but of it I imagine is muscular. While I have been taking the steps to keep my stress at bay in the hopes of preventing the muscle pain, sometimes it just comes on no matter what! The plan at this point is to try and find a physical therapist willing to help me. I don't have insurance so cannot get a referral and payment would be a bit tough. I'm praying I can find something.

Other than that I really am doing well though. I know it sounds funny after all that but it is true! I am still better than before surgery and pray any further aggressive treatment can be put off for a long time. Whether that is the case, I don't know, but right now everything is one day at a time.

So, that is it for now! I will try and do better about updating, I promise. Since my jaw is giving me more grief I am sure it will be a loud and unwelcome reminder to keep you posted. *smile*

-Laura

Oh, and Melissa, YES! I would love to talk with you further. You are welcome to email me at: aandjfriends@yahoo.com if you would like to keep in touch. I will be praying for you and hope your appointment went well.

3.5 months Post Op

Hey everyone,

So sorry i've been gone for a while. I just moved from PA to WA state and have been running around like a crazy person. A bit stressful but a really good move. I'm so happy to be with my family again!

Anyway, it is about 3.5 months post op from my bilateral arthroplasty. Things have been fairly good. I can move my eyebrows again, though still a bit weak on my left side. I can feel almost my entire face which is awesome! I still take daily motrin (800mg pills) and soma, though can limit it to once a day. This is more due to finances than anything else. I lost my health insurance with the move and don't have the finances to pay for anything (and I mean anything) until I get my first paycheck.

The big thing i've noticed is the pain. It is obvious that this surgery goes through your major facial nerves. Of course I knew this going in but didn't quite know what to expect. I get that horrible tingly/itchy sensation all the time, going up into my scalp. Many times I have these itching spells and look like I have lice or something! The other issue i've notice is I still have quite a bit of pain/discomfort. My jaw feels tense and is especially sore on the left side. I use my therabite several times a day, which helps some with the pain and helps me to maintain my awesome opening. The surgical sites are still very tender to the touch in terms of nerves. My neck has tensed up more since I stopped PT, though i'm trying my best to do home exercises to relieve it. I use heat a lot too to try and help.

What have others experienced at this stage in their recovery? At times, family and friends have a hard time understanding why I still am not "better". I've explained to them that i'll never be completely better though they have a difficult time grasping it. I think they thought this would be the miracle cure, no matter how often i've explained to them it isn't. I still think i'm better than prior to surgery, though definitely some days I don't feel it is enough. I think the stress of leaving my job, moving cross country, and the lack of finances has definitely added to my problems. I'm trying my best to work through the stress so I don't hurt myself much more. It wasn't a great time to move in terms of recovery, but the stress of my awful work situation was so much more. Gotta love the rollercoaster of life!

Okay, so maybe I did!

Sorry everyone, I know, I know, I promised to update soon and didn't! Things have been a bit nuts around here. I am moving back to Seattle so am busy saying goodbyes and packing. I leave on Friday and there is SO much to do!

I am doing pretty darn good with my recovery. I am now about 9 weeks out and am still maintaining between a 35-42mm opening as long as I keep up on my exercises and don't get too stressed. After I gave my notice to the congregations I had a doctor appointment and the stressed caused my opening to go down to 32mm. Lesson learned; exercise, exercise, exercise! That therabite is a miracle worker, i'm telling you!

Pain wise it gets better and better. I am still struggling with what i'm pretty sure is scar tissue, it feels like I have tight bands connected from my skull to my jaw joints. Each time I open or move my jaw side to side they pull. I'm sure this will go away with time and again...exercise. When I wake up I usually hurt quite a bit from the evil clenching, but once I get the therabite out and take my 800mg motrin and the muscle relaxant it calms down.

The stress of moving has definitely taken its toll, but I know once i'm able to relax a bit i'll see improvement. I was doing better before the move, that is for sure.

One of the cool things is I now have movement in both eyebrows! They are still weak but keep improving. I can also feel almost all of my face now, but have pin prick type feeling in my left cheek and some of my right. This is an awful feeling but again, will get better with time. My doctor keeps reminding me it takes a while for things to get better.

I will update again (with all the pictures missing) as soon as I am settled in Seattle. Hopefully next week I can get this done. Thank you for your patience with everything. I'm glad to know people still come to this blog to check in and to find information.

I didn't fall off a cliff! :-)

Just dropping in to say i'm soooo sorry for the lack of updates. I had a parishioner pass away on Thursday and have been busy caring for the family, preparing for the funeral, and of course, recovering from the surgery.

The funeral is tomorrow. Please pray for the family and that i'm able to lead the service well. I'm a bit nervous as my pain is still bad and I tend to mess up my sentences sometimes due to probably the swelling, nerve problems, and meds.

I've been taking pictures and have PLENTY to update you all on. I promise as soon as i'm able I will do a big long update.

Thank you for checking in, and again, please pray for this wonderful family. The woman who died was such a special person. I hope i'm able to do a good job in honoring her life.

Day 8 (One Week Post Op)

So, it is a week since I underwent my arthroplasty. In some ways it feels like it really, has only been a week. In other ways it feels like an eternity!

The pain is a bit better today, I guess. I still feel like my head is in a vice and every itty bitty part of my head is bruised. I just can't find a comfortable position for my head and it is oh so frustrating.

My facial paralysis and numbness is still there. I cannot lift my eyebrows and my cheeks are pretty numb. Also my left eye is still weak; I especially notice this when I try to wink (cannot be done) or squeeze my eyes closed. You will also notice in the pictures my smile still isn't quite there and one side is more swollen then the other.

On a good note though I do know things are improving. With time the bruising, swelling, and joint pain will go away. I feel my personality is coming back some. I am able to do more and took my sweet Caroline out on a decent walk this evening. Tomorrow I even plan to visit a dear parishioner who is not doing well after my physical therapy. These are all signs i'm doing better.

I am beginning to get irritated with my diet. I still am timid about chewing as it hurts too much. I can mush things with my tongue but that is about it. I'm finding after a week of liquid and mushy food, i'm bored. The soft diet I was on before surgery seems glorious compared to this! Applesauce and tomato soup just are no fun. Today I made bean enchiladas and mushed it up real good. This was so exciting to me, especially because it was able to be "chewed" with my tongue. That was the most flavor I have had yet; i'm so glad there are leftovers

So that is it. My friends are gone now so it is back to me and the furkids. I'm very thankful for all the progress i've made in the last week and look forward to seeing what week two brings!

Day 7

Ahhh, the bruising continues! As you can tell, the left ear area is really looking pretty ugly. My pain today was pretty bad due to the bruised sensation. Every nerve throughout my head; side, forehead, top, back, etc...it all hurts at the slightest touch. I was awake all night due to this, even to the point of seeing the sun rise. I refused to look at the clock which is what I think helped me make it through today!

I had physical therapy today; day 2. It went really well, and I was able to open to 32mm at the end of my appointment. Even better, I reset the therabite this evening to 35mm and was able to do it! This is the minimum normal and I am so happy to be there. My side deviations are getting better too. I was able to deviate to the left 10mm and the right 8mm. Normal is 15mm.

The pain was bad throughout the day but it went fairly well. I have two friends from my seminary days who arrived this evening to visit. They are pastors in central PA as well. One lives an hour away and the other about 3. It is so good to see them and even though I hurt they were able to help take my mind off it a bit.

So, that is my update for tonight. A bit short but I am tired and praying I get some sleep this evening. It is hot hot hot over here so that isn't helping. Praise God for air conditioners; I don't know what I would do without mine. As a native Northwesterner heat and I do not get along. I'm praying this crazy heat/humidity wave goes away for a while!

Day 6

This is how I spend most of my days, wrapped up in ice packs! These handy covers are leftover from my three foot surgeries. All I have to do is velcro them together and they wrap perfectly around my jaw; love it!

Today just call me Bruiser! The bruising is getting nice and colory. The pictures do not do it justice, as they are much brighter in person. While i'm thankful the swelling is going down, I now feel like my head is stuck in a vice. It has not been a pleasant day pain-wise and nothing seems to keep it at bay.

The good news is I can still open about 30mm today with the therabite. I'm so grateful that my opening is so good so early in my recovery. As i'm sure i've mentioned, the goal is 35-40mm with no pain. Looking at where i'm at, I think this will not be too difficult to meet once the surgical recovery is complete.

One of the more embarrassing side effects from this surgery that i'll only share for the benefit of others who may go through this, is drooling. Yes, it's gross but is very much a part of my life at the moment! Because of what I would assume is the weakness in my facial nerves and muscles, the drooling is out of control when sleeping (and sometimes accidently when awake!). Please, if you go through this surgery, before going to sleep grab a towel and cover your pillow. You will not regret it!

Today I got out with my dog for mini walks around the block. I'm able to get out a bit further than previous days which I am happy about (as is Caroline). I do get pretty dizzy though so I have to pace myself. My ears are still pretty plugged, with the left ear being the worst, so the vertigo sets in easily.

Other than that, I have been catching up on the show Six Feet Under. I'm almost done with season 1 and cannot wait to start season 2. I also have several movies now to watch thanks to my Aunt and Netflix. It is nice to take it easy and enjoy some good shows.

Which is exactly what i'm going to do now! Until tomorrow...

Days 4 and 5

Day Four

Morning

Evening

Day four started out a little rough as you can tell by the pictures. The swelling in my eyes became a bit crazy and I had a hard time seeing throughout the day. I'm still having some double vision due to the swelling but it is getting better. My left eye tends to get a bit lazy which is part of the problem. Once I have better control over the muscles and nerves I have a feeling my vision will be much more clear!


Day four was one I found had the most progress. As the day went on, my energy began returning. I have found with previous surgeries this tends to be both a good and a bad thing. While it was good I wanted to get up, walk around, and such, the body just isn't always as ready as you think. I insisted on doing a lot of things, such as the dishes, cooking for myself, and getting up for anything I wanted. My dog also decided she had had enough of vacation and wanted to return home, so she insisted that I be the one to take her out for potty breaks.


What ended up happening is my body crashed. By the end of the day I just couldn't move anymore. I'm thankful though for the progress that was made. My swelling went down further and I began having little "pops" in my left ear, signs that my hearing should be returning.

Day Five

Day 5 has been tougher than day 4. My friend had to go home today so it is the first one on my own. I'm so grateful for all her help and for the time to catch up (she is still in seminary). We had a nice time and it was a gift to have someone on hand to help with wound care, dishes, driving, and even laundry (thanks Andrea!).


Physical therapy really took it out of me. It is an hour drive each way to get there so PT is always a long day. Because the incision sites are still so new, my PT did not want to do any tens or ultrasound as it poses a risk for infection. So, we stuck with ice and range of motion. The good news is I was able to open 28mm, a good 10mm more than before surgery! Normal at minimum is 35-40mm, so i'm on my way.

I was already in a great deal of pain before arriving, and by the time I left I was done! My PT's are so happy though with my progress and had a great time calling me "chipmunk face" and other such terms of endearment. They even commented on how swollen my ears are, to the point they are flattening against my head. While this is true, they should have seen me a few days ago!!


After PT we had to run to the store to pick up prescriptions. This extra trip was another step in my road to exhaustion. I ran into a parishioner which was nice, though i'm sure he was wondering what I was doing out. We then went home and on the way picked up flowers my mother had ordered for me. They are so beautiful! I also got a package from my Aunt with a bunch of movies which I cannot wait to watch. Such a nice day full of surprises!


Once I got home, I took my pain meds/antibiotics, did wound care, took the dog out, and got some ice. I then laid down and took a nap for the next few hours. The pain today has been deep muscle and bone pain, the kind you would generally expect with this type of surgery. I think all the talking and exercise is what caused my problems. While it is good and expected of me to do these things, I believe I need to take it a bit more easy the next few days.

So, that is it for now. Progress is being made and everyday is a little better. I will try to update again tomorrow depending on how i'm feeling. Oh, and sorry for the low quality side pictures from today, I just couldn't get my camera to cooperate!

An Hour After My Last Post

Wow, the bruising around my eyes is getting much worse. My left eye will only open about halfway now. Looks like i've been in a bar fight!

The First Three Days

So i'm finally going to try and blog a bit about the surgery. I'm still in quite a bit of pain but am laying off on taking more meds until I get something on here!

Below are some pictures from surgery. I'm sorry they are not better but it was the best I could do. I had both sides done but it is kind of hard to tell because of the swelling and the fact I was taking the pictures myself. I really couldn't tell what I was doing!

The surgery was scheduled to start around 1pm but didn't begin until around 2ish (I think). Total the surgery was around 4 hours and 20 minutes, give or take. It was expected to take about 3 hours but we knew going in it could be longer.

Everything went as well as could be for the surgery. My doctor said the disks were in decent shape and they were able to reattach them on both sides. The stitches look amazing so I know everything will look great once I heal. I'm so grateful I have such a skilled surgeon with an excellent team he trusts.

When I awoke from surgery, the first thing I remember is a lot of pain. It felt like hot knives being driven through my face. I cannot remember another surgery where I felt this way. Thankfully the nurse was on hand with dilaudid and continued to pump it into my system. They were not supposed to give me high doses at a time due to the fact I was still coming out of anesthesia. However, because the pain was not able to be controlled she eventually called the anesthesiologist who gave consent for a higher dose. Once that hit I was fine. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep my sats up without oxygen so I stayed on it throughout the night. In the morning I was able to come off though. This was good because it was beginning to look like another night in the hospital may be on the table!

Day One

The night in the hospital was pretty rough. I wasn't able to sleep hardly at all. My pain would go down for a short period of time, allowing me to pass out, only to be woken up again by a full bladder, pain, or a nurse. I just couldn't get comfortable with the air pumps on my legs, tubes, ice packs leaking, and of course the pain. I was grateful when morning arrived!

Day Two

A side view (I was a bit drugged and couldn't get the other side!)

Day two started out with finally getting the oxygen off and we moved on to oral pain meds. I was worried about the switch because the night was so awful, but thankfully everything worked out fine. I realized once the morning shift came in I hadn't eaten since Wednesday night (about 40 hours). Suddenly I was starving!

The nurses told me I had to order food on my own and they had a room service menu. I am on a pureed diet so I knew my options would be limited. I called the number and, barely able to speak, did my best to get my info across. The lady on the other end said I needed my nurse to still put the orders in. So, I called back to the nurses station and they said they'd look into it. I didn't get a call back which I learned throughout the night usually meant nothing was done. I fell asleep for a little bit then was awoken by getting my blood pressure and such taken.

Thankfully, I was then able to order some food and opted for applesauce and yogurt. I was able to eat the applesauce but could barely get a couple spoonfuls of yogurt. My stomach was just not ready.

The rest of the morning went smooth and by 12:30 I was discharged. I had to go to my doctors office before heading home so my friend and I journeyed there. Unfortunately his office was packed due to my surgery pushing appointments back and his in office surgeries that morning.

About twenty minutes into the wait, I started feeling funny. I went up to the receptionist and asked her if I would be waiting a while. She said probably and I all of a sudden felt extremely weird and asked her if there was anywhere I could lie down. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably, which was both embarassing and felt out of the blue.

She took me to the back and they figured my blood sugar dropped from not eating. I was also in pain, hadn't slept, and had just been discharged, so all of that topped on each other through my body into a whirlwind. I had some juice and about 40 minutes later calmed down. I think it freaked us all out!

My post op appointment went well after that. He did find that even with the plugs they put in your ears I got a lot of blood down my ear canal, especially on the left side. My hearing is very minimal at the moment due to the insane swelling. I can't really hear at all out of the left and just a bit on the right. Also, I have paralysis of the forehead all the way to my eyebrows and a bit on the sides of my eyes. This should be temporary, only about 1% of cases is it not. The reason for this is all 5 major facial nerves run along your jaw line. It is to be expected you'll come out with some kind of temporary paralysis. It just makes me feel like I had botox!

Outside of chipmunk cheeks and those other issues, I am doing fine. The pain is for the most part able to be controlled. The drive home that day was a bit rough, but made better by a really liquidy vanilla milkshake from Chick-fil-A (liquidy by request and eaten with a spoon). It was still a very long three hour drive home, but I made it better than I could have imagined.

Day Three

As you can see by the pictures, my smile is a bit crooked. The swelling is much greater on the left than the right. Also, today I have developed bruising under my eyes. Surprisingly you can't really see this in the picture but it is very noticeable in person. Actually, everything looks calmer in pictures! :)

Today I woke up and every muscle and bone hurt in my body. It feels like i've been through a triathalon. If I didn't know better, I would have thought I spent the last week doing a thousand sit ups a day! Thankfully, meds help with this but it is very, very hard to get comfortable.

I have found today I am much hungrier than the last two days. I think my body is calling out for some happy calories and protein to build me back up again. Already i've lost 5 pounds, probably due to all the fluid i've lost. My diet is consisting of applesauce, baby food, and pure liquid soups. Oh yeah, and I had a popsicle tonight, which was the perfect end to the evening!

I've been using my therabite since last night. My doctor had me set it at 20mm and, while it hurts, i'm doing very well on it. I was scared to have such a high setting already, but i'm able to work it perfectly. Before surgery, my average opening was around 15mm, though on good days I could get to 23 ish. Normal minimum opening is 35-40, which is our goal. So far this is a great start.

My ears are also getting better in terms of the blood (I know, gross topic) and the stitches are very clean thanks to my friend helping with that. I still can't see them so it is hard to clean myself.

The big problem is i'm having trouble seeing a bit due to the swelling around my eyes. My left eye feels a bit droopy but this evening i've had some little tremors in it. I think this is a good sign that some of the nerve function is coming back. I just don't feel like I can shut tightly and the left eye waters a lot. I look forward to the swelling going down. I hate the feeling of my ear being swollen shut and not being able to work the eyes well.

So, that is about all I can handle posting for now. I'm doing well, just sore, tired, dizzy, and loopy. I have a ways to go before I will be back to full functioning but it is a good start. Thank you again for all the prayers. I hope by my journaling someone else will benefit. I know how desperately I wanted a blog that detailed this kind of information before my surgery. If there are any questions out there, please don't hesitate to ask!

Surgery is Over!

Hello everyone,

I got home from Baltimore around 8pm tonight. Everything went well; I have a few complications but the surgery itself couldn't have gone better. It was supposed to be about 3 hours but lasted 4 1/2. That extra time must have been important; i'm just grateful they were able to save the discs and I should have a great descrease in pain.

I'm really out of sorts right now; tired, dizzy, and hurting a bit. I will do my best to post a real blog with pictures tomorrow, so be on the lookout.

Thank you so very much for your thoughts and prayers. They have helped tremendously and I look forward to sharing a detailed account of my journey with you.

Blessings,

Laura

It's Time!

Well, i'm about to head out to Baltimore to prepare for surgery. My friend and I are going down a day early so that we can relax and settle in. Surgery will be Thursday at 1pm. I am to be at the hospital at 11am to get ready. I wish it was earlier as i'm sure i'll be STARVING, but my doctor wanted the afternoon in case the surgery went long.

I feel quite ready. I know it is time to get this fixed so i'm not too nervous at all. The bummer is I ended up with what looks like Sciatica this weekend. I actually spent Sunday night to Monday morning in the ER because the pain was so bad. They thought it was kidney stones but thankfully it wasn't. The pain started in my right side and back but now is going down my leg. So, this adds on a fun dynamic to the week! Thankfully though i'll be in bed quite a bit the next two weeks which I hear should help the problem.

I will keep you posted as I recover. I plan to post pictures to help those who may be facing this in the future. I know how desperately I wanted to find detailed testimonials to this surgery so will do my best to provide a resource for others.

Thank you for following my journey and praying for me. It is much appreciated! I should be home by Friday afternoon to early evening so keep a look out. If I can, i'll post from the hospital if there is internet and my brain is in tact enough...ha ha!

Yay Preop!

Today marks the week away mark for surgery. This morning I went to my primary care physician for a physical and blood work. Thankfully, all seems well, not that I was concerned. It was good to hear my doctor affirm this was a good decision. He is quite conservative and is definitely not an advocate of surgery. For this, however, he said, "it is time". That was all I needed to feel at ease.

I've been jumping back and forth the last few weeks about my decision. I think a lot of it has to do with the controversy surrounding TMJ surgery. There are a great number of people out there who believe oral surgeons are not specialists for TMJ and the only treatment one should have is conservative, particularly with neuromuscular dentists.

While I believe NM dentists work for some, they do not solve the problems caused by structural damage. I asked a world renowned oral surgeon from the UK about this, and he affirmed what I believe. The only way to solve the problems I have, especially since they are related to trauma, is surgery.

I'm starting to feel better and better about my decision. I know my surgeon is very skilled and would only recommend this if it there was a good chance of dealing with the problem. I still have some anxiety related to the possible side effects, such as facial paralysis (normally temporary), and the possibilities of more surgery. But at the same time, when asked by my doctor this morning if the risks were worth it, I replied "absolutely". I cannot live like this anymore.

So, as long as my bloodwork comes back within normal range, i'll be moving ahead with surgery next Thursday at 1pm. The friend who is helping and I will head to Baltimore Wednesday. This will save us from having to deal with crazy traffic plus a lack of sleep. I have to be at the hospital by 11am so it is better to not drive that long distance the same day.

Right now i'm working on more nesting and filling my netflix queue with good movies and television series. I almost got rid of my Direct TV back in January and i'm so glad I didn't! I know i'll be watching it a lot over the coming weeks and months.

If you have any suggestions, i'm trying to think about what my "last meal" will be the night before surgery. I will be on a liquid diet for 1-2 weeks, then a "no chew" diet for anywhere from weeks to months. After that it is soft food and then normal food. I could be without normal food from anywhere from 4-6 months, maybe longer (hopefully not!). What would you eat if you knew it was your last real meal?

Ten Days and Counting

Wow, thank you so much for all the sweet comments and prayers. Sue, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Your family is certainly in my prayers.

I am ten days away from surgery and the reality of it is beginning to hit. I have been busy nesting away, trying to get the house under control. Hopefully it will be neat and tidy before surgery so i'm able to relax and not worry about keeping it up.

My pain fluctuates from day to day. I have had a few good days recently which has been a blessing. It really is a rollercoaster ride and I just try to take it as it comes.

Work has been a bit tough to keep up with. I'm thankful that while I feel a bit behind, things are still getting accomplished. My goal over the next week is to get everything ready for my recovery. This includes writing a number of sermons and making sure all my homebound parishioners are visited. I think it can get done!

I'll be taking two weeks off and I pray this is enough. I know the recovery will be much longer, but I really cannot afford more than that. I pray i'm able to keep up over the summer. My concern heightens for my June schedule as i'll be at camp with my youth for a week at the end of the month and there is synod assembly only 2 1/2 weeks after surgery. Again, this will include pacing myself and taking breaks when needed.

So, that is it for now. Nothing too excited, just a lot of preparing and waiting. Thank you so much for stopping in. It means so much to know people are praying.

How Many More Days??

Ooooh, the pain is bad bad bad tonight! After worship services and then taking one of my youth out to Slinky Action Zone and dinner, I can barely take it. Even with pain meds, i've got the good 'ole throbbing and intense aches going on. I cannot WAIT for this to be over!

Earlier this week, my PT got me worried and a bit neurotic again. He said he thinks i'm putting a lot of stock into the surgery. I asked him if he didn't think this was going to work. He replied that he doesn't really know, but he does think that going in and messing with things doesn't usually help. I think he was just having an off day, because really, surgery does help many, many people. Like all the knees he sees in his practice; without joint replacement and such, those people wouldn't be able to walk like they do. I did get concerned though, because as we all know, there are so many forums out there that are radically against TMJ surgery. You read those horror stories and worry it will become you.

I believe i'm making the right decision for the most part, but there is still that side of me that worries. I don't want to damage myself anymore than I am. I also know however, that to live like this the rest of my life would not bring about a quality life. I will be turning 30 in July and to think i'll be in pain like this forever is a terrible, awful thought. I cannot spend my life on muscle relaxants, pain killers, nerve pain meds, etc. I need the chance to live joyfully. To be in this much pain after playing laser tag and going out to eat is ridiculous. I barely made it out the door let along through the four hours I spent with my youth. That is no way to live.

On a side note, my sister is no longer able to come out to help with surgery. However, a wonderful former classmate of mine from seminary is able to help. She has faced many health concerns herself, so will be a great person to be with throughout recovery. I'm so thankful for the many awesome people in my life who give so selflessly.

A Date with Destiny!

Hooray, hooray, I finally have a date! While it is not 100% confirmed, my surgeon is 98% certain surgery will be on May 20th. This is later than we had hoped, but coordinating with two surgeons and a hospital is a challenge. Praise God the waiting for a date is finally over!

Things around here have been fairly stagnant as i've waited. My pain has been not so hot, but thankfully my happy pills help when needed. I try to hold back as much as possible on them, but seem to be in greater need as the weeks pass on.

I was thankfully able to make it through Easter, a rummage sale at the church, and a 30 Hour Famine program with the youth over the last three weeks. These events were something I was dreading, as I didn't know if i'd be able to function at them. I'm so grateful they went well and I was able to go into autopilot to get through them. And even though I didn't feel so hot, I enjoyed the time with my parishioners. The Famine was especially amazing; the youth raised enough money for World Vision to feed a child for 8 1/2 yrs!

So now is the time to begin making all my preparations for surgery. After I get the final word on Thursday, we will be buying a plane ticket to fly my older sister out to help me through the surgery and the first few days at home. I wish she could stay longer, but as she is expecting her first child, she needs to get back to work to save up time for maternity leave. I'm incredibly grateful she is willing to come. My Aunt was going to be here for the surgery but since the date was moved back, she is unable due to work commitments. I hope she can come out for a fun visit soon though!

My house is a wreck but slowly i'm working through the chaos to get it cleaned prior to surgery. It would not be fun to have a messy house during recovery. There is so much to do to get it in shape I wonder how in the world it will happen! Plus the cupboards need to be filled with the proper mushy, liquid type food with a few chewable meals for my sister.

It is such a relief to know the end is in sight. It makes the pain much more bearable. I'm praying so hard this surgery will be the answer i've been looking for. My body needs a break from this. I know more treatment is inevitable in the future, but if there can be some sort of reprieve, i'm happy.

News in terms of recovery was discussed in greater detail with the surgeon today. He told me for the first 8 weeks or so, I will have appointments with him every 1-2 weeks. That is going to require a great deal of driving to Baltimore; should be fun! He also stated that when I am discharged from the hospital after surgery, I will have to go to his office for an appointment before going home. This makes me even more grateful to have my sister here. It would be a long day for one of my parishioners and I don't know who I could find that had enough time to help with it.

He stated it is going to be a long recovery from surgery. I have concerns about this happening so late in May. At the beginning of June I have a three day conference to attend wtih the synod. Then, the third week of June I have a week of confirmation camp with the youth. We talked at length about taking the proper precautions and limitations while there. I don't know how i'm going to do it as i'll still be in physical therapy three days a week, plus will most likely have an appointment in Baltimore. A lot to discuss and think about with coworkers.

Alright, it is 5am and I have yet to sleep. My jaw has not been happy and it seems some of my meds that used to make me drowsy get me wired. It is odd and frustrating. I laid in bed all night and just now turned on the computer in hopes that it would make me sleepy. It seems to be helping a bit. This lack of sleeping means I will be unable to make it into the office this morning. Ugh...more ways in which TMD gets in the way of living. Bummer.