Remembering

Today I drove out to Baltimore. I had to run a few errands which required I kill an hour or so in between. While I had the extra time I figured I might as well orient myself with where Hopkins actually is. I knew it had to be a large hospital and like most would be in a confusing layout. As expected, I was quite correct.

Spending time alone in the car often gets one thinking. This journey caused my mind to do what it has been doing often; reflecting on how I got to this place. Since I finally made the decision to see the surgeon, something I have put off for seven years (was referred back in 2002), all I can think about is the "how's" and "why's".

I'm finding myself becoming really angry. I'm angry that I have had to go through so many doctor appointments, so many years of daily headaches, years of treatments, medications, and the like. I'm angry I may have to face surgery, most likely multiple over my lifetime. I'm angry I haven't been honest about my pain to either myself or my loved ones over the years. While it is good to not focus on my pain, it was also not really healthy to ignore the symptoms either. Really, i'm having a pity party and need to snap myself out of it real quick.

The "how" factor has me more upset than anything. I've never taken the time to really center myself on this before. Back when I was seven years old, I fell about 1.5 stories in a gym class accident, landing directly on my jaw. As this was a number of years ago, they did not follow what would be today's standard procedure. While I was knocked unconscious and very well could have had serious injuries, they removed me from the gym and took me to the nurses room in the school office rather than call an ambulance. I required over 42 stitches, most internal.

I can't help but to think of what could have been different if things were handled differently that day. I think of what may have been different if the doctors would have done better follow up care over the years. Would I still be in this position? I don't know. Maybe...probably? I wonder sometimes. I know we are not meant to dwell on the "what if's?" but the human side of me does sometimes. I guess even with the more "minor" aspects of health there is some kind of grieving process that takes place.

I know this is not a life-threatening ailment but knowing how life-altering it is scares me. I know that the decisions the doctor and I make over the course of the next few weeks will greatly affect the rest of my life. It is amazing to me that something as small as the jaw has such a huge impact on ones life, but it really does. While I have had jaw/head/neck pain everyday for well over a decade now, this last year has been so extreme to the point of being almost debilitating.

I pray for answers. I pray that the strides, while I know they are few, which have been made in TMJ treatment are enough to help bring relief. I pray that if I do have surgery it is successful and does not lead to multiple surgeries in the future. I will admit it, I am a bit scared. This is nothing like any other surgeries I have had in the past. I could learn a thing or two from the hundreds of children I have met, read about, and prayed for who have battled far greater journeys than myself. They certainly make us adults look weak, don't they?!